Wisdom for Divorced Parents

That is the subtitle for Len Stauffenger's brief Getting Over It, a manual of sorts for divorced parents. Part of the attraction of Stauffenger's book is that it was written by a male author.  Most of the works I discovered regarding divorce had been written by women or had a particular religious orientation. If you have read this blog, you will know I am a practicing Catholic, but I have plenty of friends and acquaintances divorced and married who don't have any particular religious orientation. I appreciated a perspective that offered advice and processes not particularly geared toward the belief in a higher power or particular doctrines.  As I read through this book, though, I did discover some traces of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and teachings from the Landmark Institute, an organization I know of through association.  Landmark preaches taking full responsibility for your life and actions, which I would subscribe to for the most part. 
Stauffenger's book consists of 8 chapters and is fewer than 200 pages.  He begins with a preface on how this book is more about parenting, than merely divorce. So if your marriage did not involve children, this book may not be for you.  However, I did find the parenting chapters to be useful and insightful.  What I most appreciated was the list of resources and websites for fathers and parents at the end of Chapter 8. 
Stauffenger begins his book with the story of his own marriage and divorce.  It is mostly evenhanded though he does attribute much of the blame or "responsibility" on his wife's unhappiness, which in retrospect he feels preceded the marriage and certainly helped lead to the marriage's dissolution.  He states he and his ex-wife are not friends, though he holds no animosity towards her.
This lack of animosity or what he terms "freedom" is the starting point of chapter 2 "Getting Your Head Right."  There is much useful information here and I would agree completely that you have to get your act together mentally to survive a divorce.  There is no time limit for this and from my experience, you will grieve and process the divorce in your own time.  Disregard well-intentioned attempts to tell you to "get over it" or to "get on with it."  I used a program DivorceCare and work with a therapist to help me get my head right.  It took the better part of a year to do so. Now this didn't stop me from dating prior to truly having my head right, though my lack of clarity helped to end these relationships. 
Chapters 3 and 4 cover forgiveness, both personal and marital. Chapter 3 covers self-forgiveness and Chapter 4 is on forgiving your ex-spouse.  He jokes he titled Chapter 4 "Forgive, But Don't Forget" and not "Forgive Him or Her" so people would not throw the book away.  I did struggle with both forms of forgiveness, especially my own self-forgiveness. I blamed myself for the dissolution of my marriage and it took me some dark nights to realize the ending of my marriage was a team effort.
Now I caution you to not forgive yourself only to demonize your former spouse, which is cheap and easy to do.  If Dietrich Bonhoeffer can write of cheap grace, I would call the desire to want to blame your ex, cheap forgiveness.  I am forgiven because my ex was a bitch or bastard who never loved me, cheated on me, abandoned me, etc.  For me one of the most effective methods for determining and owning my own responsibility in my marriage and divorce is the Catholic process of annulment which forces you to write the narrative of your own divorce. 
The next three chapters deal with parenting and putting the focus on what remains of many divorces, children from the dissolved marriage.  Chapter 5 is about living in the moment, "It's All About the Kids and Time is Short."  This is a truism, but it is nevertheless an important one.  I remember having some moments of mourning and regret on the first trip I took with my daughter after the divorce.  However, I fought these feelings and channeled them into having a great weekend with my daughter on our mini-vacation.  What good will I be to my daughter if all of her memories of me are sad ones?  I would not want to spend time with a person who is always moping around in a fog of self-pity.  Don't make this mistake!
Chapter 6 is on how to be a good and consistent parent, which is not as easy as it sounds in divorce. Given that my ex-wife made and still makes twice as much money as I do, I have moments of envy when she and her new husband can go on vacations and live a lifestyle well beyond my own means.  Nevetheless, I resist the urge to always been the fun dad who not only tries to buy my child's affection, but bankrupts himself in the process.  As Stauffenger writes, "Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say."
Chapter 7 proclaims, "There is No Tomorrow", so what will you make of this fact when it comes to parenting? Frankly, I wish I had read this prior to my divorce as I still struggle with a relationship with one of my sons, who is now in his mid-20s. I realize I should have perhaps been less concerned with being the lord of the manor and more concerned with letting my son know how much I love him.  Stauffenger gives Five Rules for Effective Parenting: 1) Control Your Emotions 2) Be What You Want Them to Be 3) Love, Not Fear 4) Set Rules and Boundaries and 5) Be a Hero.  Chapter 7 is my favorite chapter in the entire book.  It is worthy advice regardless of your marital status. 
Stauffenger concludes his book with a chapter that hopes to encourage and inspire those of us who have endured divorce.  "Big Change, Bigger Opportunities" exhorts the reader to embrace this often seismic change and to come out a new and hopefully better person. Four and a half years after my divorce, I am trying to do just that as I am returning to school to pursue my passion for writing.  This fall I will enroll in an MFA Program in Creative Writing.  It is an opportunity I may not have ever pursued had I stayed married. 
In addition to his book, Len Stauffenger has a website www.wisdomfordivorcedparents.com where you can find additional resources.  Though I do not agree with all of his parenting wisdom, I do appreciate Stauffenger's candor and integrity in sharing his own divorce journey.