Moving Forward

This concept is central not only to life after divorce, but for life after a change in circumstances and for some as a life mantra.  Jim Smoke, who was a Christian minister who specialized in divorce ministry wrote several books regarding divorce. Moving Forward: A Devotional Guide for Finding Hope and Peace in the Midst of Divorce is one of his best.  If you are like me, you likely read books and then try to resell them or pass them along to friends or people who might need a book like this. This one I will likely keep for awhile.  Not so much because I am in need of this 4 and 1/2 years out from my divorce, but because it just contains great information and truly is a pastoral book for those dealing with divorce.  Yes, Smoke is definitely writing from a Christian perspective, which works for me.  However, he is also providing excellent information and methods to help you get through a divorce, regardless of your religious background. 
It is a series of devotions that do follow a thematic arc leading trying to meet you where ever you find yourself in your divorce process.  In addition to his own thoughts, Smoke readily seeks advice from other sources, not all of them religious in nature.  In his introduction, he quotes Robert Veninga, author of A Gift of Hope, who uses the metaphor of seasons to discuss pain.  Veninga writes, "Human pain does not let go of its grip at one point in time. . . There is a season of sadness, a season of anger, a season of tranquility, a season of hope. But seasons do not follow one another in a lockstep manner. . . The winters and springs of one's life are all jumbled together in a puzzling array. . . but when one affirms that the spring thaw will arrive, the winter winds seem to lose some of their punch." There is much truth in this statement and right now I feel I am in a season of tranquility.  Yesterday I received official notice of the annulment of my marriage.  When asked about how I feel regarding this, I replied that this decision only affirmed what I had known for several years, even prior to my official divorce.  My marriage was not a truly sacramental marriage. Does this mean, I will not possibly experience or anger?  No, there is no guarantee, which is why I plan to hold on to Smoke's book and the wisdom it contains.
At the beginning of the book, Smoke provides a list of ten things to do when you think your marriage is beyond repair.  It is elements like this which make this book invaluable for those of you who might experience divorce. 
Smoke is well aware of the emotional, spiritual, and physical challenges of divorce and provides practical ways to deal with these issues.  Smoke provides another 8-point list to address the issue of fear.  Fear is ubiquitous in our lives, but it is even more prevalent in the midst of divorce as one has to force the changes to come.  I found Smoke's list to be accurate and it helped me address these fears.
Once you can solve or at least confront your fears, you are on the path to a new life.  Smoke acknowledges this and does address how you might seek to marry again and what would you learn from your first marriage as you ponder another marriage. 
Obviously any second marriage does not exist in a vacuum and the question about how to handle your first marriage and first spouse is often the elephant in the room. Smoke advises writing a letter to your ex-spouse that you will never send.  You can pour all of your emotions positive and negative into this letter.  As a Roman Catholic, I would compare this to going to Reconciliation/Confession and putting all of your emotions out there.  I did actually go to Confession with a few months of my divorce and it was incredibly healing for me.  I slept well for one of the first nights in several months. I have also written this letter which I will never mail and it too was a moment of cleansing that helped me on my divorce journey.
Related to making peace with the past and moving forward is what Smoke calls the "the tyranny of the shoulds." He write, "My should do's give me a complex, whereas my can do's offer me a choice. There's a fine line between the two."  In other words, we cannot beat ourselves up about the choices we did not make or try to relive things we have no power to change.  As he does throughout this devotional,  Jim Smoke keeps you looking at the path ahead.  Near the end of this book, Smoke devotes several pages to the various ways we must move forward and he concludes with a pastoral wish for peace in every aspect of our lives.
If you or someone you know is on the verge of divorce or is going through a divorce, I would highly recommend Jim Smoke's Moving Forward. 
Czar