Starting Over

As I have mentioned in this blog, I divorced my ex-wife about four years ago.  As a book lover, I read considerably after my divorce trying to use the information to help me make sense of my experience. Several of the next few posts are going to be over divorce books, so my apologies if this is nothing that you would find of interest.  As a form of shorthand, I am calling these posts "Starting Over", so you can feel free to ignore them.
Bill Butterworth had a successful career as a Christian writer prior to be surprised when his wife asked him for a divorce.  Reminiscent of C.S. Lewis' A Grief Observed.  Often people do speak of divorce as a death of sorts, I don't truly subscribe to this analogy, because while you can find closure for the death of a spouse, parent, or child, the finality of divorce is of a different kind.  Yes, you may mourn your divorce and the loss of whatever your marriage represented, but if you have children, younger children, the marriage is not exactly over.  Honestly, with sons in their twenties, you are still likely to have interactions if not a relationship with your ex.
Butterworth titles his book New Life After Divorce: The Promise of Hope Beyond the Pain.  He has remarried and does seem to have found hope beyond the pain of divorce.  I have read other works too where the author is happily remarried.  While this does provide hope for those like me who are not remarried, I would like to read a book by someone who has divorced, but for whatever reason(s), has not remarried yet.  I think the dynamic might be different and perhaps more interesting. Nevertheless, Butterworth's book proved useful.  The other obvious point I need to make is that it is written by a Christian author who makes certain assumptions that readers might not accept or agree with.  Even as a Catholic, I don't know that my worldview is entirely in sync with Butterworth's, but many of the points raised are not explicitly religious.
He speaks about self-pity in his opening chapter, "But if we are not careful, out grief can sidetrack us into a full-blown pity party, complete with al the sadness and depression that accompany it." (9)  So true, I know I wallowed in self-pity initially.  Everything negative snowballed into a great ball of anxiety, fear, and depression.  How was I going to survive?  Where would I live?  Who was I if not a husband?  He goes on to quote St. Paul's words in Philippians about "contentment."  Here I am reminded of the counselor I worked with after my divorce, who told me "God does not promise us happiness, so we should seek contentment."  He too was an openingly Christian counselor, so these words surprised me.  However, time has proven him to be right.
In addition to self-pity, divorce brought out feelings of self-loathing and questions regarding my worth and place in the world.  "We've slapped ourselves silly, and it's no wonder we can't function-we've made ourselves punch-drunk." (13)
I referenced the idea of divorce as death earlier, the finality is something every divorced person must deal with.  There was a time, mostly in the first year, I held out hope of reconciliation, when I realized this was not to be and that it should not be, I truly began to move forward with my life.  Part of this is working on getting along with my ex-wife.  Once I accepted the finality of my divorce, I began dating in earnest.  I had an eighteen month relationship that did not end in engagement or marriage.  This is okay!  I remember coming across one of those internet sayings which spoke to me: Fall in love when you are ready, not when you are lonely.  Remember too that no one, not your ex or a future partner is the end all and be all of your life.  I had to learn how to be self-sufficient and I am so much better for that experience.
Part of my self-sufficiency involves being able to overcome fear.  Fear is one of the biggest pitfalls of life after divorce.  One of the pieces of philosophy I have embraced comes from the film Bridge of Spies.  Throughout the film, the Russian spy Abel when asked if he is afraid or scared simply answers "Would it help?"  It would not and fear does not help you either.  Worry is destructive in so many ways.  Stick to the facts and not your often vivid imagination.  Things will work out, but you have to work to make it so.
Now for Butterworth,  there is also God to support and love him.  If you are a person of faith, you might ask the question Butterworth poses in one of the final chapters: Where is God in my divorce?  Rather than supplying platitudes, Butterworth uses case studies and his own faith to attempt to provide an answer.  His conclusion- God loves us unconditionally.
As he promised hope, Butterworth concludes his book by encouraging us to break through whatever walls hold us back from a future and a second wind and second chance.  It can happen even after divorce.
Czar