Where Have I Been?

My goodness it has been a long time since I last posted an entry to my blog.  A great deal has happened in the intervening two and a half years!  I am surprised that I still have followers to my blog given my terrible discipline in posting entries.
I suppose I could blame personal troubles for my inactivity, but that would only be part of the story.  Yes, I have had major life changes in my life since I posted last in 2013.  My last post in 2013 occurred approximately three weeks before my wife and I decided to call it quits.  We had been in the midst of a reconciliation after a year of separation.  Unfortunately, we were not able to regain momentum, love, whatever you want to call it.  I was married total time for 20 years.  However, with the separation and the actual quality, or lack thereof, of my marriage, I would say we had maybe 15 years of  a solid marriage.
When I found myself divorced, it hit me much harder than I could imagine.  We spent a good day as a family celebrating Father's Day in June then after the 4th of July I asked my ex-wife for a divorce.  I don't know if it was asking as much as a resignation that it simply was not working.  I am not going to now or hopefully ever use this platform or any other to disparage my ex-wife, but the reconciliation did not take.  I simply could not continue to play at being a husband.  She filed for divorce a week later and by September of 2013 we were officially divorced.  I can remember the day that I filed papers we took our daughter to see the Blue Man Group.  It was a good day and a good way to spend our last day together as a nuclear family.
I moved out of the house that had been mine for almost 15 years.  Thankfully, I had the same job that I have now, so I didn't have to look for work.  I had been commuting from Lawrence, KS to my job in Kansas City, MO.  After the divorce I moved to KC to be much closer to my work.  I found an apartment approximately 6 blocks from my work and now live in a house that adjoins the grounds of the school. I love walking to work as opposed to driving two hours round trip. It was hard on my car, my body, and my pocket book (gas).
I went through all of the stages of divorce and occasionally find myself mourning the dissolution of my marriage.  I don't know if that will ever change. I read a quote from Rose Kennedy, who endured more tragedy than most in her own family, who said that pain never goes away, we simply have scars that cover the pain.  The scar is the memory of the initial injury.  I think that works as way to describe divorce.  However, I also appreciate some of the reference to divorce as a death, without a body.  There where definitely days that I felt like quitting, but somehow with the grace of god I did endure. However, I didn't necessarily feel like working, let alone writing.  I had to work through my pain.  I attended some divorce classes, which were an immense help.  Slowly I emerged from my pain and anguish and found myself getting on with my life.  I have been fortunate both personally and professionally.  I am able to write, think, teach, and write in my professional life.  Things could be worse.
I have also been dating for the last couple of years. Initially, I entered the dating soon too early, but I met some great women along the way that all helped me to realize what I needed to do to be ready for a relationship, my first in over 20 years.  I am happy to note that I have been in a good relationship with a great woman for over a year now.  I know that I am cautious and still need to learn to more fully open myself up to her, but that will come too.
I worried greatly about my relationship with my kids and my identity as a father.  I sought counseling outside of my divorce classes and this proved to be a great help too.  I have realized from those sessions, my reading, and my own contemplation that I am going to be fine.  My two college-aged sons handled it well, even commenting on how dysfunctional my marriage had become. My lovely daughter (age 9 now), made a seamless transition to having a couple of places to call home. I believe this is partly because of the year I had separated from her mother.  Divorce has made me realize how precious our time is with our children.  I think paradoxically divorce has made me a better father.
So this is what has been occupying my time.  However, now I feel it is time to begin to blog again and I am committed to being a more regular blogger. I realize I need this outlet and I miss the discipline of writing and putting my thoughts on paper.
Here's to a new spring and new chapter in the life of this blog.  Thanks for sticking around and I hope you will enjoy my new entries.  I will confess several of them are divorce-related.  So feel free to skip these.
Czar