I Will Survive

Some of you following this blog know that I write a column for the Topeka-Capital Journal.  When I began this job in 2005, I wrote weekly.  Several years later an out-of-state media conglomerate bought the paper.  They decided not to have six or seven columnists write a column weekly.  Instead one of us write a column every couple of months.
This is unfortunate, but not surprising.  One of the pleasures of writing this column is the connections I make with my readers.  I have made friends who I meet occasionally in person who responded with much empathy and compassion after my divorce.  One of the best of them sent me books and other resources to help me with my transition, one he had survived on the way to a successful second marriage.
Out of these materials was a book titled How to Survive the Loss of a Love by Harold Bloomfield, Melba Colgrove, and Peter McWilliams.  The first two authors are academics and counselors.  McWilliams was a poet and writer who would be what you would call a "self-help" guru of sorts.  My academic snob side would deride his poetry as little better than the quality of writing found in most Hallmark cards.  However, his simple writing really hit home with me.  It was direct and innocent in ways that allowed me to add my own pain and hurt to his candor about the loss of a relationship.  The chapters are very short, often no more than a bullet list combined with some of Mc Williams' verse.  Chapters like "Remaining Distraught is No Proof of Love" helped me to get out of my own navel-gazing emotional state to realize that the world did not revolve around me.  Much of McWilliams' poetry is directed towards the one or ones he formerly loved.  The direct method of address once again allowed me to imagine I was speaking to my ex-wife.  It made it easier and safer for me to do this then to make a drunken and angry phone call, email, or text.  The book works through the various states of grief, but it also insists that the reader not get stuck in any one place.  Mourn, but remember that mourning is part of a process and not the entire process.  It was like reading someone's diary entries as s/he poured out emotions and tears in an attempt to move on.  I didn't know what to think of this book at first, but now I am grateful for my friend for sending it to me.  As I sat down to write this entry, I looked at pages I had marked and re-read passages that initially made me sad or angry.  Now, I can still go to that place, but only for a moment.  I have expelled most of those emotions.  I used to get so fucking tired of people telling me that "time heals" and "one day at a time", but that is the truth of divorce.  There is no quick drive-thru lane to get the express package.   This book remained on my nightstand for the many nights I found myself waking up in the middle of the night unable to sleep.  I don't need it now, but if you have a friend who is experiencing a break-up or divorce, I would highly recommend this book.  They will survive, as have I.
Czar