One of the most disturbing parts of getting a divorce is the sense of loss and direction. What am I? I was this person with a wife and family, living in a particular home, and now that is changing. What the hell do I do? I did not choose to fight for my former house or to even stay in the same town as my ex-wife and kids. I moved to be closer to my work, though I am still less than an hour from my former home.
Living in a new town and in a new dwelling was one adjustment. What would happen to our friends that we knew as a married couple? How would I interact with my children? Where would I go to church? Where would I shop? Where would I go out to eat? Where would I do laundry? Where would I go to exercise? These and numerous other questions plagued me in the first few months after my divorce
Slowly through a process that included group counseling, individual therapy, and prayer, I did realize that I could find this elusive "New Normal." Darlene Cross, a counselor, has written A New Normal: Learning to Live with Grief and Loss. This book helped me as I slowly found my way to this new life.
Cross's book is not exclusive to divorce, but helpfully includes a variety of situations where individuals find themselves experiencing grief and loss. It does make some comparisons to death and divorce, but does a good job of considering these various experiences on their own terms too.
Her examples come from her own practice as a counselor and therapist. However, she does include her own story in the final chapter. Cross made a decision to leave the corporate world to embark on a career as a counselor.
There is nothing profound in this short book, less than 100 pages. What you will find is a practical and sound approach to working through your loss and grief and towards reestablishing a live post-loss.
As she notes, grief is common to all our lives. The challenge is to accept, if not embrace this change, and have the confidence that your life is going to be possibly even better after this change. A helpful and hopeful book for those grieving.
Czar
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
How Do You Mend a Broken Heart?
According to Howard Bronson and Mike Riley, it is not by listening to soft rock Bee-Gees songs. Instead the authors suggest an active approach that should work quickly if you can follow their method. Bronson and Riley are authors of How to Heal A Broken Heart in 30 Days: A Day-by-Day Guide to Saying Goodbye and Getting On with Your Life. The authors describe their method as more holistic than approaches that focus primarily on the emotions involved in break-ups. They see their approach as a do-it-yourself program. Bronson and Riley are not doctors or counselors. They describe themselves as journalists and authors who have spent the majority of their career covering topics like health care and psychology.
The book has 30 chapters that cover the 30-day period of recovery. Bronson offers a "primer that provides a series of meditations and reflections on your process of grieving and growth." (page 8) Riley then gives action points and tips to help focus on the topic of each individual chapter. The authors do have their own experiences as men and fathers who endured divorce.
So, how does the book work? I did read it and tried my best to follow their program. Did I forget about my 20-year marriage within a month. Hell No! However, I did find this book extremely helpful in getting past the denial stage. My God I was stuck in a deep sense of mourning and wanting to try to convince my ex-wife that I had made a mistake and that we needed to get together for the sake of our daughter and even our grown sons. I had convinced myself that I could somehow win her back and that I would not have a failed marriage. This book viscerally showed me that this a fool's errand. It was like an old friend who shoots straight and tells you it is OVER and time to MOVE ON. This process begins with the contract they provide in the first chapter. It requires the reader to commit to working on healing and moving on for the next month. It doesn't entirely close the possibility of reconciliation, but it insists that you begin the process of recovery now, regardless of the outcome of the relationship you are getting over. They feel the only way to heal your heart is to see this break-up as a fresh start. With the perspective of someone two years removed from my own "contract", I see much wisdom in this approach. No Prince Hamlet dithering about "to be or not to be." Instead, I had to get off my ass figuratively and literally and get on with the process of living the rest of my life.
To accomplish this, there is a plan of action that truly can be described as a "holistic" approach to health. Everything from breathing to diet to sleep and exercise are considered as part of this plan of action.
The authors use their own personal and professional experience to provide an outstanding book full of resources all connected to your healing and emotional well-being. They also have candid assessments of therapy, marriage counseling, mutual support groups, and a variety of other approaches.
I cannot vouch for the success of their 30-day program, however I do strongly endorse their practical and candid approach that forces the reader to pull themselves out of self-pity. It is a book that I can return to, especially to the tips and action plans. An original approach that has much to offer for those who do not want to exclusively use counseling or group therapy approaches.
Czar
The book has 30 chapters that cover the 30-day period of recovery. Bronson offers a "primer that provides a series of meditations and reflections on your process of grieving and growth." (page 8) Riley then gives action points and tips to help focus on the topic of each individual chapter. The authors do have their own experiences as men and fathers who endured divorce.
So, how does the book work? I did read it and tried my best to follow their program. Did I forget about my 20-year marriage within a month. Hell No! However, I did find this book extremely helpful in getting past the denial stage. My God I was stuck in a deep sense of mourning and wanting to try to convince my ex-wife that I had made a mistake and that we needed to get together for the sake of our daughter and even our grown sons. I had convinced myself that I could somehow win her back and that I would not have a failed marriage. This book viscerally showed me that this a fool's errand. It was like an old friend who shoots straight and tells you it is OVER and time to MOVE ON. This process begins with the contract they provide in the first chapter. It requires the reader to commit to working on healing and moving on for the next month. It doesn't entirely close the possibility of reconciliation, but it insists that you begin the process of recovery now, regardless of the outcome of the relationship you are getting over. They feel the only way to heal your heart is to see this break-up as a fresh start. With the perspective of someone two years removed from my own "contract", I see much wisdom in this approach. No Prince Hamlet dithering about "to be or not to be." Instead, I had to get off my ass figuratively and literally and get on with the process of living the rest of my life.
To accomplish this, there is a plan of action that truly can be described as a "holistic" approach to health. Everything from breathing to diet to sleep and exercise are considered as part of this plan of action.
The authors use their own personal and professional experience to provide an outstanding book full of resources all connected to your healing and emotional well-being. They also have candid assessments of therapy, marriage counseling, mutual support groups, and a variety of other approaches.
I cannot vouch for the success of their 30-day program, however I do strongly endorse their practical and candid approach that forces the reader to pull themselves out of self-pity. It is a book that I can return to, especially to the tips and action plans. An original approach that has much to offer for those who do not want to exclusively use counseling or group therapy approaches.
Czar
I Will Survive
Some of you following this blog know that I write a column for the Topeka-Capital Journal. When I began this job in 2005, I wrote weekly. Several years later an out-of-state media conglomerate bought the paper. They decided not to have six or seven columnists write a column weekly. Instead one of us write a column every couple of months.
This is unfortunate, but not surprising. One of the pleasures of writing this column is the connections I make with my readers. I have made friends who I meet occasionally in person who responded with much empathy and compassion after my divorce. One of the best of them sent me books and other resources to help me with my transition, one he had survived on the way to a successful second marriage.
Out of these materials was a book titled How to Survive the Loss of a Love by Harold Bloomfield, Melba Colgrove, and Peter McWilliams. The first two authors are academics and counselors. McWilliams was a poet and writer who would be what you would call a "self-help" guru of sorts. My academic snob side would deride his poetry as little better than the quality of writing found in most Hallmark cards. However, his simple writing really hit home with me. It was direct and innocent in ways that allowed me to add my own pain and hurt to his candor about the loss of a relationship. The chapters are very short, often no more than a bullet list combined with some of Mc Williams' verse. Chapters like "Remaining Distraught is No Proof of Love" helped me to get out of my own navel-gazing emotional state to realize that the world did not revolve around me. Much of McWilliams' poetry is directed towards the one or ones he formerly loved. The direct method of address once again allowed me to imagine I was speaking to my ex-wife. It made it easier and safer for me to do this then to make a drunken and angry phone call, email, or text. The book works through the various states of grief, but it also insists that the reader not get stuck in any one place. Mourn, but remember that mourning is part of a process and not the entire process. It was like reading someone's diary entries as s/he poured out emotions and tears in an attempt to move on. I didn't know what to think of this book at first, but now I am grateful for my friend for sending it to me. As I sat down to write this entry, I looked at pages I had marked and re-read passages that initially made me sad or angry. Now, I can still go to that place, but only for a moment. I have expelled most of those emotions. I used to get so fucking tired of people telling me that "time heals" and "one day at a time", but that is the truth of divorce. There is no quick drive-thru lane to get the express package. This book remained on my nightstand for the many nights I found myself waking up in the middle of the night unable to sleep. I don't need it now, but if you have a friend who is experiencing a break-up or divorce, I would highly recommend this book. They will survive, as have I.
Czar
This is unfortunate, but not surprising. One of the pleasures of writing this column is the connections I make with my readers. I have made friends who I meet occasionally in person who responded with much empathy and compassion after my divorce. One of the best of them sent me books and other resources to help me with my transition, one he had survived on the way to a successful second marriage.
Out of these materials was a book titled How to Survive the Loss of a Love by Harold Bloomfield, Melba Colgrove, and Peter McWilliams. The first two authors are academics and counselors. McWilliams was a poet and writer who would be what you would call a "self-help" guru of sorts. My academic snob side would deride his poetry as little better than the quality of writing found in most Hallmark cards. However, his simple writing really hit home with me. It was direct and innocent in ways that allowed me to add my own pain and hurt to his candor about the loss of a relationship. The chapters are very short, often no more than a bullet list combined with some of Mc Williams' verse. Chapters like "Remaining Distraught is No Proof of Love" helped me to get out of my own navel-gazing emotional state to realize that the world did not revolve around me. Much of McWilliams' poetry is directed towards the one or ones he formerly loved. The direct method of address once again allowed me to imagine I was speaking to my ex-wife. It made it easier and safer for me to do this then to make a drunken and angry phone call, email, or text. The book works through the various states of grief, but it also insists that the reader not get stuck in any one place. Mourn, but remember that mourning is part of a process and not the entire process. It was like reading someone's diary entries as s/he poured out emotions and tears in an attempt to move on. I didn't know what to think of this book at first, but now I am grateful for my friend for sending it to me. As I sat down to write this entry, I looked at pages I had marked and re-read passages that initially made me sad or angry. Now, I can still go to that place, but only for a moment. I have expelled most of those emotions. I used to get so fucking tired of people telling me that "time heals" and "one day at a time", but that is the truth of divorce. There is no quick drive-thru lane to get the express package. This book remained on my nightstand for the many nights I found myself waking up in the middle of the night unable to sleep. I don't need it now, but if you have a friend who is experiencing a break-up or divorce, I would highly recommend this book. They will survive, as have I.
Czar
Where Have I Been?
My goodness it has been a long time since I last posted an entry to my blog. A great deal has happened in the intervening two and a half years! I am surprised that I still have followers to my blog given my terrible discipline in posting entries.
I suppose I could blame personal troubles for my inactivity, but that would only be part of the story. Yes, I have had major life changes in my life since I posted last in 2013. My last post in 2013 occurred approximately three weeks before my wife and I decided to call it quits. We had been in the midst of a reconciliation after a year of separation. Unfortunately, we were not able to regain momentum, love, whatever you want to call it. I was married total time for 20 years. However, with the separation and the actual quality, or lack thereof, of my marriage, I would say we had maybe 15 years of a solid marriage.
When I found myself divorced, it hit me much harder than I could imagine. We spent a good day as a family celebrating Father's Day in June then after the 4th of July I asked my ex-wife for a divorce. I don't know if it was asking as much as a resignation that it simply was not working. I am not going to now or hopefully ever use this platform or any other to disparage my ex-wife, but the reconciliation did not take. I simply could not continue to play at being a husband. She filed for divorce a week later and by September of 2013 we were officially divorced. I can remember the day that I filed papers we took our daughter to see the Blue Man Group. It was a good day and a good way to spend our last day together as a nuclear family.
I moved out of the house that had been mine for almost 15 years. Thankfully, I had the same job that I have now, so I didn't have to look for work. I had been commuting from Lawrence, KS to my job in Kansas City, MO. After the divorce I moved to KC to be much closer to my work. I found an apartment approximately 6 blocks from my work and now live in a house that adjoins the grounds of the school. I love walking to work as opposed to driving two hours round trip. It was hard on my car, my body, and my pocket book (gas).
I went through all of the stages of divorce and occasionally find myself mourning the dissolution of my marriage. I don't know if that will ever change. I read a quote from Rose Kennedy, who endured more tragedy than most in her own family, who said that pain never goes away, we simply have scars that cover the pain. The scar is the memory of the initial injury. I think that works as way to describe divorce. However, I also appreciate some of the reference to divorce as a death, without a body. There where definitely days that I felt like quitting, but somehow with the grace of god I did endure. However, I didn't necessarily feel like working, let alone writing. I had to work through my pain. I attended some divorce classes, which were an immense help. Slowly I emerged from my pain and anguish and found myself getting on with my life. I have been fortunate both personally and professionally. I am able to write, think, teach, and write in my professional life. Things could be worse.
I have also been dating for the last couple of years. Initially, I entered the dating soon too early, but I met some great women along the way that all helped me to realize what I needed to do to be ready for a relationship, my first in over 20 years. I am happy to note that I have been in a good relationship with a great woman for over a year now. I know that I am cautious and still need to learn to more fully open myself up to her, but that will come too.
I worried greatly about my relationship with my kids and my identity as a father. I sought counseling outside of my divorce classes and this proved to be a great help too. I have realized from those sessions, my reading, and my own contemplation that I am going to be fine. My two college-aged sons handled it well, even commenting on how dysfunctional my marriage had become. My lovely daughter (age 9 now), made a seamless transition to having a couple of places to call home. I believe this is partly because of the year I had separated from her mother. Divorce has made me realize how precious our time is with our children. I think paradoxically divorce has made me a better father.
So this is what has been occupying my time. However, now I feel it is time to begin to blog again and I am committed to being a more regular blogger. I realize I need this outlet and I miss the discipline of writing and putting my thoughts on paper.
Here's to a new spring and new chapter in the life of this blog. Thanks for sticking around and I hope you will enjoy my new entries. I will confess several of them are divorce-related. So feel free to skip these.
Czar
I suppose I could blame personal troubles for my inactivity, but that would only be part of the story. Yes, I have had major life changes in my life since I posted last in 2013. My last post in 2013 occurred approximately three weeks before my wife and I decided to call it quits. We had been in the midst of a reconciliation after a year of separation. Unfortunately, we were not able to regain momentum, love, whatever you want to call it. I was married total time for 20 years. However, with the separation and the actual quality, or lack thereof, of my marriage, I would say we had maybe 15 years of a solid marriage.
When I found myself divorced, it hit me much harder than I could imagine. We spent a good day as a family celebrating Father's Day in June then after the 4th of July I asked my ex-wife for a divorce. I don't know if it was asking as much as a resignation that it simply was not working. I am not going to now or hopefully ever use this platform or any other to disparage my ex-wife, but the reconciliation did not take. I simply could not continue to play at being a husband. She filed for divorce a week later and by September of 2013 we were officially divorced. I can remember the day that I filed papers we took our daughter to see the Blue Man Group. It was a good day and a good way to spend our last day together as a nuclear family.
I moved out of the house that had been mine for almost 15 years. Thankfully, I had the same job that I have now, so I didn't have to look for work. I had been commuting from Lawrence, KS to my job in Kansas City, MO. After the divorce I moved to KC to be much closer to my work. I found an apartment approximately 6 blocks from my work and now live in a house that adjoins the grounds of the school. I love walking to work as opposed to driving two hours round trip. It was hard on my car, my body, and my pocket book (gas).
I went through all of the stages of divorce and occasionally find myself mourning the dissolution of my marriage. I don't know if that will ever change. I read a quote from Rose Kennedy, who endured more tragedy than most in her own family, who said that pain never goes away, we simply have scars that cover the pain. The scar is the memory of the initial injury. I think that works as way to describe divorce. However, I also appreciate some of the reference to divorce as a death, without a body. There where definitely days that I felt like quitting, but somehow with the grace of god I did endure. However, I didn't necessarily feel like working, let alone writing. I had to work through my pain. I attended some divorce classes, which were an immense help. Slowly I emerged from my pain and anguish and found myself getting on with my life. I have been fortunate both personally and professionally. I am able to write, think, teach, and write in my professional life. Things could be worse.
I have also been dating for the last couple of years. Initially, I entered the dating soon too early, but I met some great women along the way that all helped me to realize what I needed to do to be ready for a relationship, my first in over 20 years. I am happy to note that I have been in a good relationship with a great woman for over a year now. I know that I am cautious and still need to learn to more fully open myself up to her, but that will come too.
I worried greatly about my relationship with my kids and my identity as a father. I sought counseling outside of my divorce classes and this proved to be a great help too. I have realized from those sessions, my reading, and my own contemplation that I am going to be fine. My two college-aged sons handled it well, even commenting on how dysfunctional my marriage had become. My lovely daughter (age 9 now), made a seamless transition to having a couple of places to call home. I believe this is partly because of the year I had separated from her mother. Divorce has made me realize how precious our time is with our children. I think paradoxically divorce has made me a better father.
So this is what has been occupying my time. However, now I feel it is time to begin to blog again and I am committed to being a more regular blogger. I realize I need this outlet and I miss the discipline of writing and putting my thoughts on paper.
Here's to a new spring and new chapter in the life of this blog. Thanks for sticking around and I hope you will enjoy my new entries. I will confess several of them are divorce-related. So feel free to skip these.
Czar
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