For probably as long as humans have practiced religion, there have been those who oppose this practice. Theism is only slightly older than atheism or perhaps it is the other way around. For as long as I can remember, I have been fascinated by science, mostly physics and cosmology. In my eighth grade science class, I had a teacher who introduced stories about Hindu cosmology which he attempted to connect to the cosmological theories of the time. I found such ruminations fascinating and I was hooked. There was only one problem with my decision to become a cosmologist or astrophysicist- Math! Though I liked math well enough and had been very good at basic math in grade school, when I had to use formulas, the gig was up. Still, I did advance to Calculus my senior year, though this only lasted a semester. However, I never lost my curiosity and fascination with cosmology and the connection and relationship of religion to science.
The eminent evolutionary biologist Stephen Jay Gould argued that there should not be too much of a connection. He believed in separate spheres that he called non-overlapping magisteria, a wink at the Vatican and the Catholic Church. It is believed that when the Pope is engaged in promulgating doctrine, he is infallible. In general, the Pope has issued encyclicals, bulls, and other documents based on his teaching authority, known in Latin as the magisterium. For an atheist like Gould, he could see the usefulness of religion for believers, but did not see its usefulness in the promotion of science.
In this view, Gould recalls the view of Galileo, perhaps the best known Renaissance scientist who ran afoul of the Catholic Church and received condemnation and house arrest for his perceived arrogance and incorrect views. Galileo too believed in the authority of the Bible and of the Church, but he had difficulty in compartmentalizing his faith and his science. He supposedly said The Bible teachings you how to go to heaven, not how the heavens go.
More recently the "New Atheists" have been far less sympathetic to religion, attacking it vociferously and mocking religious believers of all stripes, Christians and Muslims and everyone else in between.
Lisa Grunwald's 1991 novel, The Theory of Everything explores the terrain of science and its often tenuous relationship with religion in her debut novel. Even at the time of Grunwald's writing, there were religious believers and those who were not entirely dismissive of religion who were also prominent scientists. Writers like Paul Davies who I first encountered in his 1983 work, God and the New Physics and who continued to write in this vein with The Mind of God (1992) and The Fifth Miracle (1998). John Polkinghorne is a prodigious author and former Cambridge physics professor and Anglican priest and others like the biologist A.R. Peacocke, Ian Barbour, and Father Stanley Jaki.
While many scientists are not religious believers, I believe they still cannot entirely dismiss the notion of faith, especially when it comes to their search for The Theory of Everything, the Holy Grail of Science.
The Theory of Everything also called the Grand Unified Theory is the attempt to unify gravity with the three non-gravitational forces the strong, weak, and electromagnetic forces. It would be a combination of the theory of relativity with the quantum field theory.
In her novel, Lisa Grunwald introduces the main character Alexander Simon who is a brilliant physicist who is on the verge of developing this theory. His quest is complicated by his relationship with his parents. His father, more of a scientist like his son, supports this quest by Alexander. His mother abandoned his father and Alexander when he was a young boy. She reemerges in Alexander's life right when he is so close to publishing his work.
The phrase opposites attract seems very apt for Alexander's parents as his more scientific father balances out the mother who is drawn to astrology, numerology, and other more esoteric areas of inquiry. Through a series of events as Alexander tries to reconnect with his mother, Alexander himself abandons his work and goes in quest of enlightenment with a guru of sorts known as an adept who is also an intellectual and spiritual descendant of alchemists. Alexander's adept is helping Alexander to find his own "prime matter", which can be about anything.
Alexander's choice complicates his relationship with Linda, the woman he is sharing an apartment with. Alexander abandons her on his quest, leaving open the possibility he might never return from this quest and to Linda either.
The characters are well-drawn. The plot is good. Grunwald is adept at telling an intricate story. I liked 90% of the book. However, I found the ending to be quite disappointing. While there is a resolution, I feel that Grunwald simply could not think of a great ending and the books limps along until its conclusion.
If you have in interest in astrology, alchemy, and related subjects, The Theory of Everything might be worth your while.
Tuesday, June 27, 2017
The Fifth Gospel
How long does it take to write a gospel? If you are Ian Caldwell, the author of The Fifth Gospel, the answer is ten years. Caldwell was co-author of The Rule of Four, a novel I have not read. According to the blurbs and jacket, he spent 10 years researching this novel. It shows. I have never read another work of fiction or nonfiction for that matter which provides such a credible portrait of life in Vatican City and the inner lives of Catholic priests.
Caldwell is a brilliant author and a talented writer whose intelligence and craft show up on nearly ever page. With my strange hours the last few years, I rarely get a chance to read fiction, so this book was a great choice. For those of you who read this blog, you know I am partial to historical fiction and thrillers based on rather arcane subjects like ancient Egypt or the history of Christianity. Caldwell's books indulges my preferences as well as telling an intricate and compelling story.
As someone who teaches creative writing, I have become good at figuring out most of the plots of books I read or movies I see, but Caldwell kept me guessing throughout this surprising murder mystery and thriller.
The protagonist is Alex Andreou, a Greek Catholic priest. Careful, I said a Greek Catholic priest, not Greek Orthodox priest. As a lifelong Catholic, history teacher, and student of the Catholic Church, I was not aware of the Greek Catholics. Not only are they in Communion with Rome, but they are allowed to marry. Father Andreou lives in the Vatican with his five-year old son. Apparently not only can Greek Catholics marry, they can also have bad marriages too. Though it is not central to the novel, I learned a great deal about the Greek Catholic Rite and Caldwell provides a great insight into the life of this priest who lives on the fringes of the institutional Church, though he lives within walking distance of the Pope. It was not pedantic, as Caldwell weaves his exposition of the Greek Catholic priesthood within the novel itself. This is one of the many strengths of this novel.
A murder occurs and Fr. Andreou's house is broken into, presumably by the murders who appear to be looking for something in Andreou's possession. He was the research partner of the museum curator killed. Worried for his family's safety, Andreou begins to research the murder himself.
Here is where the story begins as well as a beautifully constructed narrative regarding the four canonical gospels and a document produced over a thousand years ago that attempted to combine all four gospels into one document. This document, the Diatessaron, is often called "the fifth gospel", which provides the title for Ian Caldwell's novel.
The dead curator was in the process of mounting an exhibit in the Vatican with the Diatessaron. However, Fr. Andreou discovers a connection between the Diatessaron and a much better known Catholic relic- the Shroud of Turin.
One blurb references The DaVinci Code, only to dismiss any comparison between Dan Brown and Ian Caldwell. Caldwell is deemed to be the much better and more accomplished writer and storyteller. Having read nearly all of Dan Brown's novels, even those not involving Robert Langdon, I would agree Caldwell is erudite and his research is impressive. Dan Brown is not a slouch in my opinion and Brown tells a riveting story. However, while they may trod on the same ground, Caldwell is much more balanced in his approach. Dan Brown takes the narrative easy way out by turning the Catholic Church a den of corruption and conspiracy, in a very black and white approach. Caldwell is leagues more empathetic and subtle in his storytelling.
I won't give away the ending, but it is tremendously well crafted and I walked away feeling it was consistent with the rest of this brilliant novel. I am a fan of Caldwell and plan to read The Rule of Four sooner rather than later.
Though I am a religious believer, I feel I have the ability to be willing to listen to opposing points of view whether it is a work of fiction, theology, or history. What I have too often found is that authors have an agenda disguised as fiction. Caldwell is too good of a writer for something like that. The Fifth Gospel is one of the best novels I have read in years. I cannot recommend it highly enough!
Caldwell is a brilliant author and a talented writer whose intelligence and craft show up on nearly ever page. With my strange hours the last few years, I rarely get a chance to read fiction, so this book was a great choice. For those of you who read this blog, you know I am partial to historical fiction and thrillers based on rather arcane subjects like ancient Egypt or the history of Christianity. Caldwell's books indulges my preferences as well as telling an intricate and compelling story.
As someone who teaches creative writing, I have become good at figuring out most of the plots of books I read or movies I see, but Caldwell kept me guessing throughout this surprising murder mystery and thriller.
The protagonist is Alex Andreou, a Greek Catholic priest. Careful, I said a Greek Catholic priest, not Greek Orthodox priest. As a lifelong Catholic, history teacher, and student of the Catholic Church, I was not aware of the Greek Catholics. Not only are they in Communion with Rome, but they are allowed to marry. Father Andreou lives in the Vatican with his five-year old son. Apparently not only can Greek Catholics marry, they can also have bad marriages too. Though it is not central to the novel, I learned a great deal about the Greek Catholic Rite and Caldwell provides a great insight into the life of this priest who lives on the fringes of the institutional Church, though he lives within walking distance of the Pope. It was not pedantic, as Caldwell weaves his exposition of the Greek Catholic priesthood within the novel itself. This is one of the many strengths of this novel.
A murder occurs and Fr. Andreou's house is broken into, presumably by the murders who appear to be looking for something in Andreou's possession. He was the research partner of the museum curator killed. Worried for his family's safety, Andreou begins to research the murder himself.
Here is where the story begins as well as a beautifully constructed narrative regarding the four canonical gospels and a document produced over a thousand years ago that attempted to combine all four gospels into one document. This document, the Diatessaron, is often called "the fifth gospel", which provides the title for Ian Caldwell's novel.
The dead curator was in the process of mounting an exhibit in the Vatican with the Diatessaron. However, Fr. Andreou discovers a connection between the Diatessaron and a much better known Catholic relic- the Shroud of Turin.
One blurb references The DaVinci Code, only to dismiss any comparison between Dan Brown and Ian Caldwell. Caldwell is deemed to be the much better and more accomplished writer and storyteller. Having read nearly all of Dan Brown's novels, even those not involving Robert Langdon, I would agree Caldwell is erudite and his research is impressive. Dan Brown is not a slouch in my opinion and Brown tells a riveting story. However, while they may trod on the same ground, Caldwell is much more balanced in his approach. Dan Brown takes the narrative easy way out by turning the Catholic Church a den of corruption and conspiracy, in a very black and white approach. Caldwell is leagues more empathetic and subtle in his storytelling.
I won't give away the ending, but it is tremendously well crafted and I walked away feeling it was consistent with the rest of this brilliant novel. I am a fan of Caldwell and plan to read The Rule of Four sooner rather than later.
Though I am a religious believer, I feel I have the ability to be willing to listen to opposing points of view whether it is a work of fiction, theology, or history. What I have too often found is that authors have an agenda disguised as fiction. Caldwell is too good of a writer for something like that. The Fifth Gospel is one of the best novels I have read in years. I cannot recommend it highly enough!
Tuesday, March 22, 2016
The New Normal
One of the most disturbing parts of getting a divorce is the sense of loss and direction. What am I? I was this person with a wife and family, living in a particular home, and now that is changing. What the hell do I do? I did not choose to fight for my former house or to even stay in the same town as my ex-wife and kids. I moved to be closer to my work, though I am still less than an hour from my former home.
Living in a new town and in a new dwelling was one adjustment. What would happen to our friends that we knew as a married couple? How would I interact with my children? Where would I go to church? Where would I shop? Where would I go out to eat? Where would I do laundry? Where would I go to exercise? These and numerous other questions plagued me in the first few months after my divorce
Slowly through a process that included group counseling, individual therapy, and prayer, I did realize that I could find this elusive "New Normal." Darlene Cross, a counselor, has written A New Normal: Learning to Live with Grief and Loss. This book helped me as I slowly found my way to this new life.
Cross's book is not exclusive to divorce, but helpfully includes a variety of situations where individuals find themselves experiencing grief and loss. It does make some comparisons to death and divorce, but does a good job of considering these various experiences on their own terms too.
Her examples come from her own practice as a counselor and therapist. However, she does include her own story in the final chapter. Cross made a decision to leave the corporate world to embark on a career as a counselor.
There is nothing profound in this short book, less than 100 pages. What you will find is a practical and sound approach to working through your loss and grief and towards reestablishing a live post-loss.
As she notes, grief is common to all our lives. The challenge is to accept, if not embrace this change, and have the confidence that your life is going to be possibly even better after this change. A helpful and hopeful book for those grieving.
Czar
Living in a new town and in a new dwelling was one adjustment. What would happen to our friends that we knew as a married couple? How would I interact with my children? Where would I go to church? Where would I shop? Where would I go out to eat? Where would I do laundry? Where would I go to exercise? These and numerous other questions plagued me in the first few months after my divorce
Slowly through a process that included group counseling, individual therapy, and prayer, I did realize that I could find this elusive "New Normal." Darlene Cross, a counselor, has written A New Normal: Learning to Live with Grief and Loss. This book helped me as I slowly found my way to this new life.
Cross's book is not exclusive to divorce, but helpfully includes a variety of situations where individuals find themselves experiencing grief and loss. It does make some comparisons to death and divorce, but does a good job of considering these various experiences on their own terms too.
Her examples come from her own practice as a counselor and therapist. However, she does include her own story in the final chapter. Cross made a decision to leave the corporate world to embark on a career as a counselor.
There is nothing profound in this short book, less than 100 pages. What you will find is a practical and sound approach to working through your loss and grief and towards reestablishing a live post-loss.
As she notes, grief is common to all our lives. The challenge is to accept, if not embrace this change, and have the confidence that your life is going to be possibly even better after this change. A helpful and hopeful book for those grieving.
Czar
How Do You Mend a Broken Heart?
According to Howard Bronson and Mike Riley, it is not by listening to soft rock Bee-Gees songs. Instead the authors suggest an active approach that should work quickly if you can follow their method. Bronson and Riley are authors of How to Heal A Broken Heart in 30 Days: A Day-by-Day Guide to Saying Goodbye and Getting On with Your Life. The authors describe their method as more holistic than approaches that focus primarily on the emotions involved in break-ups. They see their approach as a do-it-yourself program. Bronson and Riley are not doctors or counselors. They describe themselves as journalists and authors who have spent the majority of their career covering topics like health care and psychology.
The book has 30 chapters that cover the 30-day period of recovery. Bronson offers a "primer that provides a series of meditations and reflections on your process of grieving and growth." (page 8) Riley then gives action points and tips to help focus on the topic of each individual chapter. The authors do have their own experiences as men and fathers who endured divorce.
So, how does the book work? I did read it and tried my best to follow their program. Did I forget about my 20-year marriage within a month. Hell No! However, I did find this book extremely helpful in getting past the denial stage. My God I was stuck in a deep sense of mourning and wanting to try to convince my ex-wife that I had made a mistake and that we needed to get together for the sake of our daughter and even our grown sons. I had convinced myself that I could somehow win her back and that I would not have a failed marriage. This book viscerally showed me that this a fool's errand. It was like an old friend who shoots straight and tells you it is OVER and time to MOVE ON. This process begins with the contract they provide in the first chapter. It requires the reader to commit to working on healing and moving on for the next month. It doesn't entirely close the possibility of reconciliation, but it insists that you begin the process of recovery now, regardless of the outcome of the relationship you are getting over. They feel the only way to heal your heart is to see this break-up as a fresh start. With the perspective of someone two years removed from my own "contract", I see much wisdom in this approach. No Prince Hamlet dithering about "to be or not to be." Instead, I had to get off my ass figuratively and literally and get on with the process of living the rest of my life.
To accomplish this, there is a plan of action that truly can be described as a "holistic" approach to health. Everything from breathing to diet to sleep and exercise are considered as part of this plan of action.
The authors use their own personal and professional experience to provide an outstanding book full of resources all connected to your healing and emotional well-being. They also have candid assessments of therapy, marriage counseling, mutual support groups, and a variety of other approaches.
I cannot vouch for the success of their 30-day program, however I do strongly endorse their practical and candid approach that forces the reader to pull themselves out of self-pity. It is a book that I can return to, especially to the tips and action plans. An original approach that has much to offer for those who do not want to exclusively use counseling or group therapy approaches.
Czar
The book has 30 chapters that cover the 30-day period of recovery. Bronson offers a "primer that provides a series of meditations and reflections on your process of grieving and growth." (page 8) Riley then gives action points and tips to help focus on the topic of each individual chapter. The authors do have their own experiences as men and fathers who endured divorce.
So, how does the book work? I did read it and tried my best to follow their program. Did I forget about my 20-year marriage within a month. Hell No! However, I did find this book extremely helpful in getting past the denial stage. My God I was stuck in a deep sense of mourning and wanting to try to convince my ex-wife that I had made a mistake and that we needed to get together for the sake of our daughter and even our grown sons. I had convinced myself that I could somehow win her back and that I would not have a failed marriage. This book viscerally showed me that this a fool's errand. It was like an old friend who shoots straight and tells you it is OVER and time to MOVE ON. This process begins with the contract they provide in the first chapter. It requires the reader to commit to working on healing and moving on for the next month. It doesn't entirely close the possibility of reconciliation, but it insists that you begin the process of recovery now, regardless of the outcome of the relationship you are getting over. They feel the only way to heal your heart is to see this break-up as a fresh start. With the perspective of someone two years removed from my own "contract", I see much wisdom in this approach. No Prince Hamlet dithering about "to be or not to be." Instead, I had to get off my ass figuratively and literally and get on with the process of living the rest of my life.
To accomplish this, there is a plan of action that truly can be described as a "holistic" approach to health. Everything from breathing to diet to sleep and exercise are considered as part of this plan of action.
The authors use their own personal and professional experience to provide an outstanding book full of resources all connected to your healing and emotional well-being. They also have candid assessments of therapy, marriage counseling, mutual support groups, and a variety of other approaches.
I cannot vouch for the success of their 30-day program, however I do strongly endorse their practical and candid approach that forces the reader to pull themselves out of self-pity. It is a book that I can return to, especially to the tips and action plans. An original approach that has much to offer for those who do not want to exclusively use counseling or group therapy approaches.
Czar
I Will Survive
Some of you following this blog know that I write a column for the Topeka-Capital Journal. When I began this job in 2005, I wrote weekly. Several years later an out-of-state media conglomerate bought the paper. They decided not to have six or seven columnists write a column weekly. Instead one of us write a column every couple of months.
This is unfortunate, but not surprising. One of the pleasures of writing this column is the connections I make with my readers. I have made friends who I meet occasionally in person who responded with much empathy and compassion after my divorce. One of the best of them sent me books and other resources to help me with my transition, one he had survived on the way to a successful second marriage.
Out of these materials was a book titled How to Survive the Loss of a Love by Harold Bloomfield, Melba Colgrove, and Peter McWilliams. The first two authors are academics and counselors. McWilliams was a poet and writer who would be what you would call a "self-help" guru of sorts. My academic snob side would deride his poetry as little better than the quality of writing found in most Hallmark cards. However, his simple writing really hit home with me. It was direct and innocent in ways that allowed me to add my own pain and hurt to his candor about the loss of a relationship. The chapters are very short, often no more than a bullet list combined with some of Mc Williams' verse. Chapters like "Remaining Distraught is No Proof of Love" helped me to get out of my own navel-gazing emotional state to realize that the world did not revolve around me. Much of McWilliams' poetry is directed towards the one or ones he formerly loved. The direct method of address once again allowed me to imagine I was speaking to my ex-wife. It made it easier and safer for me to do this then to make a drunken and angry phone call, email, or text. The book works through the various states of grief, but it also insists that the reader not get stuck in any one place. Mourn, but remember that mourning is part of a process and not the entire process. It was like reading someone's diary entries as s/he poured out emotions and tears in an attempt to move on. I didn't know what to think of this book at first, but now I am grateful for my friend for sending it to me. As I sat down to write this entry, I looked at pages I had marked and re-read passages that initially made me sad or angry. Now, I can still go to that place, but only for a moment. I have expelled most of those emotions. I used to get so fucking tired of people telling me that "time heals" and "one day at a time", but that is the truth of divorce. There is no quick drive-thru lane to get the express package. This book remained on my nightstand for the many nights I found myself waking up in the middle of the night unable to sleep. I don't need it now, but if you have a friend who is experiencing a break-up or divorce, I would highly recommend this book. They will survive, as have I.
Czar
This is unfortunate, but not surprising. One of the pleasures of writing this column is the connections I make with my readers. I have made friends who I meet occasionally in person who responded with much empathy and compassion after my divorce. One of the best of them sent me books and other resources to help me with my transition, one he had survived on the way to a successful second marriage.
Out of these materials was a book titled How to Survive the Loss of a Love by Harold Bloomfield, Melba Colgrove, and Peter McWilliams. The first two authors are academics and counselors. McWilliams was a poet and writer who would be what you would call a "self-help" guru of sorts. My academic snob side would deride his poetry as little better than the quality of writing found in most Hallmark cards. However, his simple writing really hit home with me. It was direct and innocent in ways that allowed me to add my own pain and hurt to his candor about the loss of a relationship. The chapters are very short, often no more than a bullet list combined with some of Mc Williams' verse. Chapters like "Remaining Distraught is No Proof of Love" helped me to get out of my own navel-gazing emotional state to realize that the world did not revolve around me. Much of McWilliams' poetry is directed towards the one or ones he formerly loved. The direct method of address once again allowed me to imagine I was speaking to my ex-wife. It made it easier and safer for me to do this then to make a drunken and angry phone call, email, or text. The book works through the various states of grief, but it also insists that the reader not get stuck in any one place. Mourn, but remember that mourning is part of a process and not the entire process. It was like reading someone's diary entries as s/he poured out emotions and tears in an attempt to move on. I didn't know what to think of this book at first, but now I am grateful for my friend for sending it to me. As I sat down to write this entry, I looked at pages I had marked and re-read passages that initially made me sad or angry. Now, I can still go to that place, but only for a moment. I have expelled most of those emotions. I used to get so fucking tired of people telling me that "time heals" and "one day at a time", but that is the truth of divorce. There is no quick drive-thru lane to get the express package. This book remained on my nightstand for the many nights I found myself waking up in the middle of the night unable to sleep. I don't need it now, but if you have a friend who is experiencing a break-up or divorce, I would highly recommend this book. They will survive, as have I.
Czar
Where Have I Been?
My goodness it has been a long time since I last posted an entry to my blog. A great deal has happened in the intervening two and a half years! I am surprised that I still have followers to my blog given my terrible discipline in posting entries.
I suppose I could blame personal troubles for my inactivity, but that would only be part of the story. Yes, I have had major life changes in my life since I posted last in 2013. My last post in 2013 occurred approximately three weeks before my wife and I decided to call it quits. We had been in the midst of a reconciliation after a year of separation. Unfortunately, we were not able to regain momentum, love, whatever you want to call it. I was married total time for 20 years. However, with the separation and the actual quality, or lack thereof, of my marriage, I would say we had maybe 15 years of a solid marriage.
When I found myself divorced, it hit me much harder than I could imagine. We spent a good day as a family celebrating Father's Day in June then after the 4th of July I asked my ex-wife for a divorce. I don't know if it was asking as much as a resignation that it simply was not working. I am not going to now or hopefully ever use this platform or any other to disparage my ex-wife, but the reconciliation did not take. I simply could not continue to play at being a husband. She filed for divorce a week later and by September of 2013 we were officially divorced. I can remember the day that I filed papers we took our daughter to see the Blue Man Group. It was a good day and a good way to spend our last day together as a nuclear family.
I moved out of the house that had been mine for almost 15 years. Thankfully, I had the same job that I have now, so I didn't have to look for work. I had been commuting from Lawrence, KS to my job in Kansas City, MO. After the divorce I moved to KC to be much closer to my work. I found an apartment approximately 6 blocks from my work and now live in a house that adjoins the grounds of the school. I love walking to work as opposed to driving two hours round trip. It was hard on my car, my body, and my pocket book (gas).
I went through all of the stages of divorce and occasionally find myself mourning the dissolution of my marriage. I don't know if that will ever change. I read a quote from Rose Kennedy, who endured more tragedy than most in her own family, who said that pain never goes away, we simply have scars that cover the pain. The scar is the memory of the initial injury. I think that works as way to describe divorce. However, I also appreciate some of the reference to divorce as a death, without a body. There where definitely days that I felt like quitting, but somehow with the grace of god I did endure. However, I didn't necessarily feel like working, let alone writing. I had to work through my pain. I attended some divorce classes, which were an immense help. Slowly I emerged from my pain and anguish and found myself getting on with my life. I have been fortunate both personally and professionally. I am able to write, think, teach, and write in my professional life. Things could be worse.
I have also been dating for the last couple of years. Initially, I entered the dating soon too early, but I met some great women along the way that all helped me to realize what I needed to do to be ready for a relationship, my first in over 20 years. I am happy to note that I have been in a good relationship with a great woman for over a year now. I know that I am cautious and still need to learn to more fully open myself up to her, but that will come too.
I worried greatly about my relationship with my kids and my identity as a father. I sought counseling outside of my divorce classes and this proved to be a great help too. I have realized from those sessions, my reading, and my own contemplation that I am going to be fine. My two college-aged sons handled it well, even commenting on how dysfunctional my marriage had become. My lovely daughter (age 9 now), made a seamless transition to having a couple of places to call home. I believe this is partly because of the year I had separated from her mother. Divorce has made me realize how precious our time is with our children. I think paradoxically divorce has made me a better father.
So this is what has been occupying my time. However, now I feel it is time to begin to blog again and I am committed to being a more regular blogger. I realize I need this outlet and I miss the discipline of writing and putting my thoughts on paper.
Here's to a new spring and new chapter in the life of this blog. Thanks for sticking around and I hope you will enjoy my new entries. I will confess several of them are divorce-related. So feel free to skip these.
Czar
I suppose I could blame personal troubles for my inactivity, but that would only be part of the story. Yes, I have had major life changes in my life since I posted last in 2013. My last post in 2013 occurred approximately three weeks before my wife and I decided to call it quits. We had been in the midst of a reconciliation after a year of separation. Unfortunately, we were not able to regain momentum, love, whatever you want to call it. I was married total time for 20 years. However, with the separation and the actual quality, or lack thereof, of my marriage, I would say we had maybe 15 years of a solid marriage.
When I found myself divorced, it hit me much harder than I could imagine. We spent a good day as a family celebrating Father's Day in June then after the 4th of July I asked my ex-wife for a divorce. I don't know if it was asking as much as a resignation that it simply was not working. I am not going to now or hopefully ever use this platform or any other to disparage my ex-wife, but the reconciliation did not take. I simply could not continue to play at being a husband. She filed for divorce a week later and by September of 2013 we were officially divorced. I can remember the day that I filed papers we took our daughter to see the Blue Man Group. It was a good day and a good way to spend our last day together as a nuclear family.
I moved out of the house that had been mine for almost 15 years. Thankfully, I had the same job that I have now, so I didn't have to look for work. I had been commuting from Lawrence, KS to my job in Kansas City, MO. After the divorce I moved to KC to be much closer to my work. I found an apartment approximately 6 blocks from my work and now live in a house that adjoins the grounds of the school. I love walking to work as opposed to driving two hours round trip. It was hard on my car, my body, and my pocket book (gas).
I went through all of the stages of divorce and occasionally find myself mourning the dissolution of my marriage. I don't know if that will ever change. I read a quote from Rose Kennedy, who endured more tragedy than most in her own family, who said that pain never goes away, we simply have scars that cover the pain. The scar is the memory of the initial injury. I think that works as way to describe divorce. However, I also appreciate some of the reference to divorce as a death, without a body. There where definitely days that I felt like quitting, but somehow with the grace of god I did endure. However, I didn't necessarily feel like working, let alone writing. I had to work through my pain. I attended some divorce classes, which were an immense help. Slowly I emerged from my pain and anguish and found myself getting on with my life. I have been fortunate both personally and professionally. I am able to write, think, teach, and write in my professional life. Things could be worse.
I have also been dating for the last couple of years. Initially, I entered the dating soon too early, but I met some great women along the way that all helped me to realize what I needed to do to be ready for a relationship, my first in over 20 years. I am happy to note that I have been in a good relationship with a great woman for over a year now. I know that I am cautious and still need to learn to more fully open myself up to her, but that will come too.
I worried greatly about my relationship with my kids and my identity as a father. I sought counseling outside of my divorce classes and this proved to be a great help too. I have realized from those sessions, my reading, and my own contemplation that I am going to be fine. My two college-aged sons handled it well, even commenting on how dysfunctional my marriage had become. My lovely daughter (age 9 now), made a seamless transition to having a couple of places to call home. I believe this is partly because of the year I had separated from her mother. Divorce has made me realize how precious our time is with our children. I think paradoxically divorce has made me a better father.
So this is what has been occupying my time. However, now I feel it is time to begin to blog again and I am committed to being a more regular blogger. I realize I need this outlet and I miss the discipline of writing and putting my thoughts on paper.
Here's to a new spring and new chapter in the life of this blog. Thanks for sticking around and I hope you will enjoy my new entries. I will confess several of them are divorce-related. So feel free to skip these.
Czar
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Don't Go Looking for Trouble
Don't go looking for trouble may be sound advice, but thankfully the protagonist of Christopher Buehlman's Those Across the River does not heed this advice. In this debut novel, Buehlman tells the story of Frank Nichols and his inheritance of a rundown Georgia mansion in 1935. Nichols comes to the Savoyard Plantation with Eudora, who he calls his wife, but who may not actually be his legal wife. It seems as if Frank and Eudora became lovers and they left Chicago and his job as a professor in somewhat of a scandal.
They see the plantation as a place for them to start over as Frank decides to write a history of this plantation and his family, including a shadowy figure of a great-grandfather who Frank does not know well. There are definitely Faulknerian influences here with unknown secrets and dangers that someone like Frank might want to let lie. Of course if he did that, there would not be a novel, so this is a good hook used by Buehlman to suck his reader into the narrative. To that end, he has Frank receive a letter from his Aunt Dorothy who bequeathed the house to Frank. Ironically, she then tells him that he "MUST SELL" this house. She goes on to explain that "there is bad blood here, and it is against you (YOu) (sic) for no fault of your own & you will not have time to go stale in whitbrow."
Frank ignores the letter, but soon there are so strange events going on and warnings about staying out of the woods from some of the locals. The Nichols do befriend the local taxidermist Martin Cranmer, who doesn't quite fit the profile of most of the residents of Whitbrow and he owns a still to boot. One of the more unusual events is a gathering of pigs that are sent out into the woods as a offering from the town. Their local pastor is there as well and it has a seemingly civic and religious function too.
These types of events only seem to heighten Frank's curiosity so he finds himself exploring the woods on his own. He goes looking for a Civil War battlefield with partial directions from one of the locals. The directions are incomplete, because no one wants to or appears to have had much desire to go to the under side of the river. Frank finds himself lost, but keeps going trying to regain his way and the path to the battlefield. In the late afternoon, Frank has the distinct feeling that he is being watched and followed. He finally does see the "thing" that had been following him. "A thin pale mulatto just entering puberty. I knew this because the boy was n't wearing pants. Just a dirty shirt that stopped at his navel." Despite attempts to engage the boy in conversation, the boy refuses to speak, but continues to accompany Frank on his way, though from a distance.
Eventually the boy engages in a half-hearted assault on Frank with precision stone throwing. It is obvious that the boy could do more damage than he does, but he seems to be toying with Frank. Frank is irritated, but not scared until the boy tells Frank nonverbally that he is waiting for nightfall. Frank finds his way to Martin Cranmer's cabin, but Martin is not excited to see him and tells him to get lost.
Frank makes his way home, but he is uneasy with what happened to him. It only serves to fuel his curiosity.
Frank and Dora continue on with their life and make friends and go about their work and lives, but eventually "those across the river" make their appearance on this side of the river too. Slowly and masterfully, Buehlman shifts this book into somewhat of a gothic novel with supernatural creatures. I won't give away what they are, but the cryptic letter from Frank's aunt begins to make more sense as the plot advances. Frank and some of his former war buddies engage in a final showdown with these creatures. It ends essentially in a draw and Frank turns his back on his friends and on his wife, Dora, who he lost to "those across the river."
However, there is a coda where we learn that Frank had narrated these events from his relative youth. He is now a self-described "old lush." Without giving away the ending, let me say that there is more to the story.
Christopher Buehlman is a playwright and an award-winning poet, though this is his first novel. He is a helluva writer. The novel is assured and gorgeously written. He can go from a passionate love scene to a amusing and meandering conversation between Frank and Martin. He does a fine job with the action sequences too and creates a disturbing and mesmerizing atmosphere for the novel. The characters are believable and distinctive too. Most importantly, though I would characterize Buehlman as a literary writer, this story is a page-turner. One of the blurbs mentions that he is like a cross between Fitzgerald and Dean Koontz. That is pretty accurate, though I think his subject matter and setting makes me think more of Faulkner than of Fitzgerald. I would highly recommend this novel.
Czar
They see the plantation as a place for them to start over as Frank decides to write a history of this plantation and his family, including a shadowy figure of a great-grandfather who Frank does not know well. There are definitely Faulknerian influences here with unknown secrets and dangers that someone like Frank might want to let lie. Of course if he did that, there would not be a novel, so this is a good hook used by Buehlman to suck his reader into the narrative. To that end, he has Frank receive a letter from his Aunt Dorothy who bequeathed the house to Frank. Ironically, she then tells him that he "MUST SELL" this house. She goes on to explain that "there is bad blood here, and it is against you (YOu) (sic) for no fault of your own & you will not have time to go stale in whitbrow."
Frank ignores the letter, but soon there are so strange events going on and warnings about staying out of the woods from some of the locals. The Nichols do befriend the local taxidermist Martin Cranmer, who doesn't quite fit the profile of most of the residents of Whitbrow and he owns a still to boot. One of the more unusual events is a gathering of pigs that are sent out into the woods as a offering from the town. Their local pastor is there as well and it has a seemingly civic and religious function too.
These types of events only seem to heighten Frank's curiosity so he finds himself exploring the woods on his own. He goes looking for a Civil War battlefield with partial directions from one of the locals. The directions are incomplete, because no one wants to or appears to have had much desire to go to the under side of the river. Frank finds himself lost, but keeps going trying to regain his way and the path to the battlefield. In the late afternoon, Frank has the distinct feeling that he is being watched and followed. He finally does see the "thing" that had been following him. "A thin pale mulatto just entering puberty. I knew this because the boy was n't wearing pants. Just a dirty shirt that stopped at his navel." Despite attempts to engage the boy in conversation, the boy refuses to speak, but continues to accompany Frank on his way, though from a distance.
Eventually the boy engages in a half-hearted assault on Frank with precision stone throwing. It is obvious that the boy could do more damage than he does, but he seems to be toying with Frank. Frank is irritated, but not scared until the boy tells Frank nonverbally that he is waiting for nightfall. Frank finds his way to Martin Cranmer's cabin, but Martin is not excited to see him and tells him to get lost.
Frank makes his way home, but he is uneasy with what happened to him. It only serves to fuel his curiosity.
Frank and Dora continue on with their life and make friends and go about their work and lives, but eventually "those across the river" make their appearance on this side of the river too. Slowly and masterfully, Buehlman shifts this book into somewhat of a gothic novel with supernatural creatures. I won't give away what they are, but the cryptic letter from Frank's aunt begins to make more sense as the plot advances. Frank and some of his former war buddies engage in a final showdown with these creatures. It ends essentially in a draw and Frank turns his back on his friends and on his wife, Dora, who he lost to "those across the river."
However, there is a coda where we learn that Frank had narrated these events from his relative youth. He is now a self-described "old lush." Without giving away the ending, let me say that there is more to the story.
Christopher Buehlman is a playwright and an award-winning poet, though this is his first novel. He is a helluva writer. The novel is assured and gorgeously written. He can go from a passionate love scene to a amusing and meandering conversation between Frank and Martin. He does a fine job with the action sequences too and creates a disturbing and mesmerizing atmosphere for the novel. The characters are believable and distinctive too. Most importantly, though I would characterize Buehlman as a literary writer, this story is a page-turner. One of the blurbs mentions that he is like a cross between Fitzgerald and Dean Koontz. That is pretty accurate, though I think his subject matter and setting makes me think more of Faulkner than of Fitzgerald. I would highly recommend this novel.
Czar
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